Instinctual

I watched the stars parade amongst the sky,
Exploring their lines so that they were known
if by chance I got to see them again,
Attaching my days and fresh memories
to their icy cold glitter
So I could hold you in my mind,
Easily found, a ready smile.

The air holds my breath as a ghostly vapor.
What enchantment comes over these frozen days
that we must enumerate the past,
Archiving old models before the new ones arrive?
Compelled to remember, forced to forget,
The yearnings, the leanings,
The learnings, the bleedings,
The lust that overcame this Refusing Boy,
This Not-Quite-a-Man,
I wanted to hold you, to kill you,
To fuck you, to love you,
I wanted it all without cost, without patience,
Still trapped in thinking I was due a reward.

So I plunge my hands into my tattered jeans
and retrieve a small handfull of coins,
The remainder of this expensive year,
Full of overpriced bargains and cheap luxuries.
I study the new and old faces there,
Etched in metal not yet cast away,
Beautiful friends, the women and muses,
The occasional man not afraid to say
"I love you" in a crowded room,
Even those ideals claimed as essence
that still cling to my every move,
My base and naked motivation.

I'm glad I did not spend you.
You still have value yet.
I'm fortunate to have found you.
And you, the payoff from a desparate bet.
And then you, so shiny, unaware of intrinsic worth,
Your promise ripe in blossoming youth,
Perfect and soft.
Is it any wonder I am still a slave to ideals?

It is too easy, too cliché, too desparate,
To hand out epitaphs, lay blame, stake hope.
One-by-one, I have missed you.
One-by-one, I could list you
as my salvation; we all want that
Greedy, quick solution.
But labels and attachments,
Do you dare hear them?
They are only the screams of a soul insecure,
A transfer of blame and pain to endure.
I stand accused of a double murder.
My Potential.
Your Time.

And so we take our leave of yet another year.
Again I've chosen ignorance over facing the truth.
Few lessons were learned, few challenges were met,
How is it possible I still feel the spark
of happiness inside of me, ready to ignite?
Perhaps humanity is instinctual
as well as beautiful and sad.

salvation

So yesterday I was walking into the local WalMart to pick up some photos I had developed and some pop and chips for the christmas potluck at work. I had an empty McDonald's bag in my hand, and needed to throw it away. The Salvation Army bell ringer and his donation pot were set up about one meter in front of the garbage can near the front door. Out of the corner of his eye, Mr. Bellringer saw me lean down slightly and deposit something...he obviously thought it was some cash in his red pot! "Thank you," he said, as he turned and noticed me throwing away the remains of my lunch. Not missing a beat, I reached into my pocket and grabbed all of my loose change (about a dollar) and said, "well, seeing as how you just thanked me, I'd better give you all of my change!"

And it's not that I don't donate (seeing as how I had no intention to this time). My wife gives them money almost every time she walks by, and she's a shopaholic. I feel my household does its part for the Salvation Army this time of year. But I had to save some face...




...in other news...

check these guys out and add:
www.myspace.com/porcupineband
i used to gig with a couple of those guys
casey virock is truly a rock god
great songwriter and guitarist
& works at dave's guitar shop in la crosse, wisconsin
(my home away from home)
i've got a lot of their old stuff
they've offered that i open for them at a few upcoming gigs!

hey, i talked to jeffrey cain on the phone last night!
he and i really share some similar experiences in our
youthful musical indoctrinations
i really felt a connection with the guy
which was cool
he'll be recording some...vocals...for me at his LA studio
& we will be collaborating on a few tracks
who knows where any of this all leads?

...and i got some inside scoop on the new isidore cd...

Amazingly, I am at a near-desparate state in my personal life,
but musically,
life has never been better...

Peace, y'all.

peace,
tony

24 season 4 & the kidz

So, my mom's been buggin' me all month about "what do you want for christmas?" So I took the plunge and told her what I really want! Besides world peace and/or world domination, I will be getting the 4th season of "24" on DVD!!! Seeing as how there is a special transitional "episode" between last season and the start of season #5 (premiering January 16th), it is of the utmost importance that I get this set NOW!

OK, it's my one TV vice. I seldom watch TV. But "Jack Bauer" (Kiefer Sutherland) kicks ass! Remember in season #2 when he killed that mob guy, and to prove to his former posse of bad guys he'd infiltrated that he was still bad, he had to cut off this dudes head and bring it to them? Man, when Bauer looked up at his boss in the posh conference room of CTU and said, "I'm going to need a hacksaw", I was hooked!!!

Uh, but yeah, um, to prove that I dooooo worry about my spiritual karma and don't just sit around watching cool spy shows, I've started volunteering at the local elementary school for their after school program, helping kidz out with their homework and such. It actually is awesome, if challenging. I hadn't felt that good in a long time...endorphins! The kids really need someone in their life, and it's really special to feel wanted and appreiciated like this. And it's based on nothing more than being there for someone else. I guess it's good both ways!

recording and emails

OK, enough of the arty blog posts for the moment. I like them, sure. But I tried to use the "stream-of-consciousness" technique to write them, and it appears that only depressing hubris comes out of me when I do that. What would Freud do? Well, I have issues, of course, which I won't detail now. I guess I can nutshell say it as "I want to be somebody". Both internally for my own sense of self-worth, and externally as well. I haven't always done all I could (and what I did do might have been misdirected, even if it was well intentioned).

But I can tell you that I have been working very hard towards that end. The forthcoming "unfolding" solo CD on Heyday Records is a good start. It's lead to other things already, recording projects I can't comment fully on at this time. But trust me, it's very exciting and fun and cool and I think people are really going to take notice of my follow-up CD to "unfolding". The working title is "Tony and Friends", with the concept that I provide the instrumental musical background and others do the singing. The roster for singers is pretty much full, and now I've been recording like crazy, trying to get my musical part of the deal finished for everyone. One or two of the songs might even lead to full-length CD collaborations with these other artists!

I think those that know me know I am long-winded with my emails. I feel the burden of correspondence, like I need to add something substantial to the conversation, not just a word or two. But due to the project above, I've been emailing some famous people and to a person, they all are very brief in their emails. But the necessary points are still communicated! And I've been falling behind in my emails to many people. Not that I'm famous, but obviously I'm long-winded, huh?!?!! And that's how I think, also. I guess they go hand-in-hand. Over-explaining in my mind and on paper and screen.