Charlie

May 19th will always be a difficult day for me. On May 19, 2000, my son Charlie was stillborn at 8 months. He was under-nourished due to pre-eclampsia, a condition where the placenta prematurely ages and results in decreased blood flow to the baby. The little guy just couldn't hang on. It breaks my heart still to this day to think of what he was going through.

For a year afterwards, I realize now, we were both in shock, my wife and I. I think I cried almost every day in 2001. I still get a world-weary feeling when I think about it, the injustice of it all, how life can be so damn cruel sometimes. While my wife has grieved about it, I think she is still very shattered by it. Because of issues involved in the pregnancy, she can no longer bear children. She is a kindergarten teacher, and never has there been a more natural person to hold such a job.

I myself, being myself, had written a few songs while we were expecting Charlie, thinking I'd eventually record some great CD full of love and fatherly pride for my child. And then...I loved him so much before he arrived, I had so much love inside of me...and then I had no place to direct those feelings. I was so damn lost. I wrote a few songs after he was gone, tragically sad songs, but overall I just could not bear to bring them all together and finish my CD for my son. It remains unfinished to this day.

I talk to Steve Kilbey once in a while. I can only think of 2 or 3 paintings I would every commission from him, and one of those would be a painting of Charlie. I have a few pictures of him, we were able to hold him and say our goodbyes at the hospital, and he looked like he was sleeping. Just a cute little guy with dark hair and long legs, just like his dad. So I asked Steve if he'd be interested in painting a picture of Charlie. I think I thought if SK did a painting, I'd have my CD cover and I'd be forced to finish my Charlie CD. Steve was very kind and gentle, but he refused to do it. He said it would make him too sad to have to think about it for too long. I don't blame him.

I recently started remastering some of my old songs, now that I have the software to do that. In the process of selecting which of my old CDs to focus on for that, I went back and revisited everything I had recorded digitally since 2001, some 30 CDs worth of material. I was surprised to find I had recorded more songs for Charlie than I had first thought. So then I started digging through all of my unused lyrics and songs and dug out the unrecorded songs I'd done for Charlie, mostly the songs I'd written before his arrival. How could I have recorded a song of joyous anticipation, after all, after what the outcome was? Anyway, I've got a Charlie folder with all of the lryics in them now. And even a Charlie "folder" on my computer with the songs in the works. I've got a lot of musical projects going on, as I always do, so I'm not promising anything, but maybe it's time to finish my Charlie CD.

Here's to you, Charles Pasquale Pucci. I couldn't love you more than I do right now. Amen.